Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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