Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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