No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize