Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
