You can't special order awesome
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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