if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize