Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
