theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
