You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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