You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
