I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
