my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
