Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
try to milk me bitch
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
