Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
