We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
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