so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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