Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
