my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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