I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
