I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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