Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
