Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
