I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
