You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
