I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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