please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So here I am, sexting at work.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
