I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
