I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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