Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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