he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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