so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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