Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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