Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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