Im at strip club and am horny
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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