After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
