i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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