dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
