No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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