Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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