My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize