I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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