But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
