I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
