I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
