Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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