there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
