I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
