How'd it feel making her break her religion?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
