i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
