Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
