the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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