so that wasnt chicken after all
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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