if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
