ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
