i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
