wanna go halves on a baby?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
