Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
