I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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