I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
