It was confusing and full of hummus
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
