thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
