you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
