i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize